The Wife on the Film Version of Marley and Me
“Maybe that’s why Owen Wilson tried to kill himself.”
Things Sarah Palin and My Pit Bull Have in Common
Both:
- Look confused when asked a question
- Like to poop on the environment
- Are good at following the commands of their handlers.
- Remain quiet on the birth control issue
- Have extensive foreign policy experience
Written with The Wife for Slate.
How the Wife, While Morally Refusing to See Batman: Dark Night Because It’s Still too Early to Stop Mourning Heath Ledger, Saw Batman: Dark Night
“I just pretended it was Val Kilmer.”
Three Things the Dog Yearns to Bite
- Balloons
- The vacuum
- My Penis
Bob on the Applebees’s Menu
“This whole thing is too complex. Like what is this ultimate trio? I don’t know about you but my ultimate trio is a couple of blondes.”
If I Ever Had a Folk Band It Would Be Called:
Old Man Spittle
The Mother on Her Best Friend of Thirty-Five Years
“If I met her now I’d want to beat the shit out of her.”
Discussion with The Wife Following a Sunday Evening Viewing of the Apocalyptic Movie Cloverfield, While We’re in Bed
The Wife: “You wouldn’t come back to save me if I was trapped in a leaning high-rise that had been attacked by monsters.“
Me: “What?”
“You’d be scared.”
“What are you talking about? I found you on September 11th.”
“That’s not the same.”
“The city was in chaos.”
“There weren’t any monsters.”
Me Getting Mad: “Fine, I guess we’ll have to wait until the next monster attack for you to see.”
The Wife: “Yeah, we’ll see.”
Why I Wouldn’t Make a Good Father as Heard by the Dog Every Time We Go On a Walk
“Go pee, go pee…Go pee, already…Come on, go pee, I want to go inside…Why are you doing this to me?”
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